My dad's a felon, and he's the first person I call when I get into trouble. If you have a felon in your family, call them. They'll get you out of trouble because they've been there. They know how to get out of it. I'll give you an example. One time about 11 years ago, I was driving drunk. I crashed my car into a ditch, and I fled the scene.
Mom tucked me in the bed and whispered, "Sleep tight, don't let the bed bugs bite." I said, "Wait, did you just say there are bugs crawling on my bed biting me while I sleep? Why would you tell me that? Bro, I haven't slept in like three fucking days!" I said a swear word and my dad threatened to wash my mouth out with soap if I said it again. I'm
Where are you from? Virginia? Australia. Australia. Well, what? What brought you to the U.S.? Airplane. Airplane. Get this guy out. I want to... Did you go straight from Australia to Albuquerque? No, I came from Germany. Oh, sure. Did you come for a job? Yes, I came to Savannah, Georgia. And then from Georgia, what happened? Savannah, Georgia, the
Sexual harassment's a problem, let's talk about it. This chick is trying to get me fired because she claims I've been giving her inappropriate massages in the office. Well, I say good luck with that, sweetheart. I don't even work here.
They ought to have a scoring system, a Golden Corral, like they do in bowling, you know. Walk in there to eat, they put your name up on the TV screen and show everybody how much food you ate after 10 trips to the buffet. You can pick teams and compete with other fat folks in there. That'd be something. Hey, sweetheart, where's my scratch pants? It
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