My oldest sister gave me a tampon. She's like, you might want to take this to school with you. And my other sister's like, if it doesn't come in like a month, you should probably tell mom. That's why I'm a comedian, okay? Also, when I was a kid, my mom told me if I went on a roller coaster, that my head would snap off. What kind of crappy parenting
Thank you. See, what it was. Thank you. Get down, funky. Okay, get back up. 18 years ago, they greet him in small towns by tying a yellow ribbon around the old oak tree. Then they try and hang him with it. All I can say though is this man's a genius. Now, who else can take all the forms of comedy, slapstick, satire, mime, and stand-up, and turn it
I was a hero, I didn't want to mention it but... you forced it out of me. I was a hero. Who do you think they named the Foxhole after? Hoover?! I was there. I backed up so far in one battle, I bumped into a general. He said, 'Why are you running?!' I said, 'I'm running because I cannot fly, you ass--' Another thing I don't like, I don't give a godd
What is the most offensive joke that you've ever written? If only Africa had more mosquito nets, then every year we could save millions of mosquitoes from dying needlessly of AIDS. STARTUP LEADER.
I find people glorify being single because they say you can sleep with anyone you want, but you can actually only sleep with anyone who wants to sleep with you. It's a very different number.
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