Humor. I just paid off my student loan. Women don't understand me. I gave a lady friend the heart symbol and she brought me a defibrillator. 40 years ago when I started doing stand-up, everyone told me it was a great way to meet women. We'll see. I joined a dating site for people my age called carbon dating. I stayed on the site for a number, she t
My best friend's wife is a born-again Christian. And we do not get along at all. The other day she called me up to yell at me, saying I'm a terrible influence on her husband because he called her a bad name. I said, "What? Did he call you a bitch?" She said, "No, Anthony. He did not use the B-word." I said, "Uh-oh." Did he call you a c*nt? She said
I took an elevator the other day and I was on the floor with a woman. I pressed floor two. She pressed floor three. And then I looked at my card and realized I'm also on floor three. But now I just have to get off on the wrong floor. Cause I can't let the elevator doors open. And then as they're closing, look at her and say, "Change of plans."
Are you man? I'm 6 feet tall, but I'm 6'4 while seated. That's the weirdest way to answer this question possible. So you're 6 feet regular and, you know, same. And you're standing 6 feet and then you sit down and you're 6'4. Is this what you're saying to me? I have the upper body of a 6'4 person and the lower body of a 5'9 person. Well, don't go, d
Can you imagine the first time that like a lawyer introduced the idea of like pleading insanity? Like, imagine you're going in court, clearly your client is guilty, and you're like, 'Your Honor... he's fucking nuts!'
I'm glad I'm married. I'm done. I'm done with people. I used to hook up with a lot of guys. And, you know, we're mean to women who hook up a lot. Sometimes we call them a slut. That's not very nice. Yeah. Yeah. Well, also, what if I was just trying to find the one and working at it the hardest? I wasn't a slut. I was dedicated to the process. I sle
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